Resolution down the drain!

The recent spell of hot and humid weather has certainly put paid to any notions I might have had about keeping my new years resolutions.

Things like ‘mow the lawn every Friday’, and ‘clean the lounge windows every other Saturday’, have to my dismay, been impossible to execute.

Thank Heavens we all make those stupid resolutions around a minute to mid-night on the 31st December, no-one in their right mind would make that kind of decision during the sober hours of daylight!

I remember once, many years ago, I gave up smoking for a whole week.

Yes, it was a resolution all right, and I made certain that I would be impossible to live with at the same time.   It worked like a charm, and in three shakes of a donkeys tail, I was back to a packet a day!

Now the Missus, on the other hand, is different.   She has this iron type will power, and if she say’s she is going to do a thing, come hell or high water, she’ll do it…no matter what!

So I catch her in the spare bedroom going through a pile of old clothes.

“St Peters having another Fete`’Lovey?” I ask, giving her a light slap on the bum.

“No!” she says quite seriously, “I am getting rid of my old clothes, it’s my new years resolution.”

Y`know, I wish I’d thought of that.   I have so much old clobber that is in perfectly good nick, and I just don’t ever wear. All it does is take up space in my cupboard.

Anyway, I leave the Missus to it for an hour or so, while I go through my stuff. I find a really nice pair of slacks, but the zipper had got stuck. I suppose me having a weak bladder it had so many ups and downs, it simply wore out.

“Any chance of putting a new zip in this pair of trousers Lovey?” I ask.

“Put them on the chair, I’ll do them after I’ve done this.”

Now I heard the old sewing machine on the go, and I wondered what the Missus was up to.   “What’re you doing?” I asked.

Reaching into the pile of old clothes, she pulls out a blouse, three dresses, a couple of pairs of slacks, and a woollen jumper, and explains in detail her sewing plans for the next three years.

“If I cut this off here, shorten this skirt there, lengthen this, and put that top onto this skirt, take off these sleeves, widen the neck of this, put this brocade on here, turn this the other way so that it will go with this…”

She went on for half an hour.   “You said you were going to get rid of all your old clothes?”

I know better than to argue with her.

“I know, but if I widen this skirt that I bought in the fifties, it’ll be in fashion again next year, and I can wear it…”

Yes Lovey, and how about my pair of slacks, stove pipes are back, if you wear them the other way around.

“They’re done!” she snaps, handing them to me.

Sure enough, my old pair of trousers are as good as new again.   “Where did you get the zipper from?”

She mumbled something Aunt Edith and her sniffing snuff, soI didn’t find out until yesterday, when I pushed my left leg into them.

Y`know, I must be the only guy in Nelspruit who has a purple fly!





Geoffrey Kennell
Off the cuff

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